A whole snowflake.
It felt like the snow started falling the moment I stepped out my door. Flurries floated on my street alight with holiday decorations, wreaths were blurred through the snows, bright mittens and gloves, warm sweaters, shopping bags. It was a winter wonderland.
In the background the saxophone was alive in this city of melody, I will be home for Christmas it sang to me. I felt as if I had stepped out on to a movie set the moment was so perfectly romantic, so filled with holiday cheer. It was so perfect I twirled. I twirled in my pink coat, in my favorite pink mittens and hat. And it felt so good, I twirled again. Caught some snow in my hands, chased some flurries around, and I laughed. People were looking now, smiling. A slight blush to my cheeks, and a smile back.
I love to twirl in the midst of flurries.
Happiness has been mine lately. Again and again I feel it. Not that things have gotten any better, my decision still hangs, my whole life is still in the air. But for the moment, I don’t care. I live in the moment. And I can’t be thankful enough for the blessing of this happiness. Why God has chosen that I be happy instead of miserable in this horrible time, I don’t know. But I am so grateful. And I do shukrana for this misery, that showed me that my happiness is more resilient and stays with me through my pain.
Perhaps grateful because I feel whole, without being part of an “us.” I am whole as an I. Perhaps grateful because in my years of life, I have never been an I, and been happy. Always searching for another to make me whole.
Of course I know he waits in the background, across oceans, for me. Of course I know, the decision is now in my hands to be an I or we. It empowers me, and makes me stop. But I promised myself I would make myself whole alone, before I decided what to do. I promised myself that I wouldn’t choose him, to make me whole, rather choose him to compliment the whole I already am. Perhaps this is why God wanted me to wait?
And it seems the pain was worth it, for that moment I swirled in the snow in bliss. If I had never been broken, and left, how would I know that I can fix myself? Just I, alone, can fix, can create, can sustain, can complete. I don’t need you to complete me. To complement me perhaps?
And this page will see its share of loneliness I am sure. The entries that have yet to be written with sadness, frustration, and defeat are in store for me I know. But for now, I am whole.
And that is the moment I will twirl in.
this is one of the most beautifully written posts i have read so far!
im new here so i dont know what you mean when you speak of joining the one who is waiting (?) but i love this line “Just I, alone, can fix, can create, can sustain, can complete. I don’t need you to complete me. To compliment me perhaps?”
right now it makes alot of sense to me! i hope you find what you are looking for
btw, i came here via Isheeta.
so true Azmaish! there is so much power in knowing that you are complete as you are. Without anyone. Just you. i think its a gift from Allah. He knows what each of us need and when we need it. We just dont see the same plan. You would never have had this moment without any of the misery. Enjoy this moment.
Welcome TFL! Thanks so much, I am happy it made some sense to another aside from myself!
LB: Sometimes moments like these are too few and far between. They leave you so thirsty for more..!
If I had never been broken, and left, how would I know that I can fix myself? <– that just gave me CHILLS…. wow.
And you are right, you dont need another to make you whole. Marriage doesnt erase those feelings of incompleteness. You still have to love yourself, you still have to accept who you are….