In the midst of the million other things I had to get done, some how I managed to have a four hour (no exaggeration) conversation with a certain aunty jee (”AJ”). AJ and I were discussing a recent event in our community that shocked, perturbed and disgusted me. Of course the community did not have quite the reaction I was expecting anyone with half a brain or even half a conscience to have.
A certain college student had just arrived to our town from the Motherland (here on out DF = dear fob). He was put up in his aunt’s home where her teenage cousin also resided. We had always known DF to be a little sketchy. Porn was always coming out of his drawers, something about him just rubbed us the wrong way. He was the kind of guy you would cringe while hugging, and could never make comfortable eye contact with.
A few months after peaceful coexistence in his aunt’s house, we felt that DF was coming around. Had we misjudged him? Perhaps piles of porno are normal for teenage pakistani Lahori school boys? We were opening up to him, letting him into our lives, and I was slapping myself for being so damn judgmental and wrong about another individual.
Until we found he had ordered spy cameras. With porno, piles of clothing and cigarette butts these receipts turned up. We looked further to find the cameras installed on his computer, with a straight on view into the bathtub of the basement guest bathroom of his aunt’s house - where his 21 year old cousin, Sania, showered everyday.
Sania cried when she found out, she screamed, some dishes were broken. But in front of the elders of the family there was a surprising silencing. They looked the other way. He was sent back to the motherland for the summer, where he was promptly engaged to an innocent girl of good khandaan. “A good wife will “fix” him.” “Achee ladki sab theek karleygi.” Sania’s parents did not want to cause a “rift” in the family - so they forgave him. “Forgave.”
And they said…
“His parents will handle him.”
“His dad has done so much for us.”
“I can’t tear my family apart because of this, beta.”
“What other house can I stay at in Pakistan?”
“Just get over it. The larger person forgives.”
AJ was so overcome with warmth and happiness about these said events. She was giving me examples of how beautiful this family and their forgiveness was.
But what is forgiveness, when it is denial meant to keep your family together? If you forgive a rapist you do not know, who has no connection for you, perhaps you have exercised an impossible virtue. But forgiveness to shut a family up, to put dirt under the rug, is no forgiveness - it is stupidity. Stupidity when we let sexual criminals run about, going as far as setting them up with other’s daughters. And when we speak up, we are told to quiet down. When we don’t, we are the family’s trouble makers. We are blamed for tearing relationships apart.
But perhaps some relationships SHOULD be torn apart. Perhaps when we shake things up a bit will these sexual criminals learn that their actions will have consequences other than quick marriages, soft reprimands, or a new, separate apartment.
And today I saw DF. I said salaam with a quick glance. AJ commented on what a sweet boy he was. And I, too, was silent.
